On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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