pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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