Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
