my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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