She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize