You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
