I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
