Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
