That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
