he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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