I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
