Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
