dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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