1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize