So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
