i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
