I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
