How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
