why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
