My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
