Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
