My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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