I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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