Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
