yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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