im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
