I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
