cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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