dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
