3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
