she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
