Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
