the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
