Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
