Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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