I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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