I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
