bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
