dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
