I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
