I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
