It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
