woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
