Are we in a gay sports bar?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
