Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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