So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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