I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
