I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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