thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
