I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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