just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
