Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
