Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
