I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
