Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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