so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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