Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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