Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
