No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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