She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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