I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
